emy;supervain :D

A little thought

2012-02-15T21:00:00.004+08:00

“Do we live to exist or do we exist to live?” I think i’ve heard it somewhere but i can’t recall.

Things have been rather rough lately and i think this small matter has finally brought me to my senses. I can’t bottle up everything for too long. I kinda blew up just now. Then again, i haven’t been talking much - that doesnt help either. What hurts the most was when i realised that no social networking meant no social life. Pathetic ain’t it? I don’t have actual friends i could talk to as often anymore.

But hey, gotta start my life all over again. Tough but never impossible.

Chances

2012-02-15T20:52:00.000+08:00

She begs Life for a second chance.

Pleading, don't destroy what's left of her, she's trying her hardest to stand on her own feet - and at this moment, she feels she does not have strength, neither does she have balance. But to her, impossible was never an excuse. She strives, she believes and she knows what she's made of.

And she will never give up.

As she begs Life for a second chance.

Gone for a while.

2012-01-29T01:39:00.002+08:00

I've always thought my life was private, but i just realised that the social networks have probably sucked the life out of me. I finally deactivated my facebook after so long and privated my tweets.

Till we meet again, i'm just hoping whatever i'm feeling right now is just pms.

I don't believe in you

2011-12-16T01:26:00.003+08:00

It's insane how the littlest things can trigger your memories.

The guilt inside kills. Digs deep into the soul, ripping out every positive emotion from the heart. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't know if i can keep holding on.

Mistakes.

2011-12-07T01:15:00.003+08:00

It hasn't all been a pretense. I honestly have been contented with life. I've reflected every single day, not forgetting on how much i already have.

But today, it just got to me.

I was so contented with life, trying to keep myself alive and kicking. She came home unhappy, and vented it all out on me. What did i ever do wrong? It's not like i wasn't busy. I had something to do and she thought i was just lazing around and not saving a thought for her. Saving a thought for her working and needing some good rest.

You know, I only text or call when i need someone. Other than that, i'd rather be alone. Might get pretty lonely, but i'm honestly fine with that. If i knew, i would've followed gramps to the hospital to visit my uncle. It's been ages since i visited him anyway.

Later at night, gramps got home and then it was her turn to vent it out on me. It was such a small matter but then again, what did i ever do wrong?

I've come to realise people don't usually appreciate the littlest things you've done for them. Sometimes, they don't even consider it. How will you ever see the brighter side of life if you don't wanna start with a little more light?

I know it isn't such a big deal, but i have no idea why it's affecting me so much. I've been blunt and i've done all the above. I'm just hopin i haven't done the same to others - making them feel miserable for one small mistake.

I'm sorry mum, gramps and dad, i love you.

Vulnerable

2011-11-02T23:36:00.002+08:00

As much as i want someone there for me, i know i'll never be able to handle it.

Once i love someone, i'll give them my everything. I'm willing to do anything for them. I'd move mountains if i had to.

What i am afraid of is, when he realises it and takes advantage of me.

I am in my most vulnerable state, if i were to fall in love.

I am not ready to let someone hold my heart and feel so helpless and not in control.

I am not ready to feel so vulnerable.

Dad

2011-11-02T23:32:00.003+08:00

I want to see you cry on my wedding day.

No, i want to see you on my wedding day.

No matter how much you're never actually in my life, i'd still want you to be there on my big day. No matter how much i don't reply your texts, I still want your blessings. No matter how much i don't want to talk to you, i still want your presence.

The past doesn't matter, you're ultimately so dear to me, you're a part of me, you're in me.

You're my dad. And you will always be.

Love, your daughter.

Birthday Wish

2011-10-31T22:55:00.003+08:00

There has been so many complications in my life, but however much it may bring me down, i know i have somebody to lean on to.

My birthday wish this year? For my uncle to wake up from his deep sleep. I want him back by Hari Raya Haji, so that gramps will be happy. So that mum will be smiling. So that his family is once again reunited.

Then i thought to myself today, as i listened to Al Ruqyah, the words of God in the Al Quran, what is my real goal in life. Initially it was to travel around the world with my mum and gramps (insyaallah, if God willing), then i thought, i'd rather bring them away. Away to a holy place. To Haj. That'd be the world perfect gift from her daughter to her mum.

I just wish i keep my faith forever in me, and hope that God will lead me to the right path. I know half of the time i might be the mean-est, ill-est, dirty minded girl. But i know ultimately, i'm still afraid of God and nothing else. When i get scared or haunted by my own fears, i try to tell myself it's nothing to be afraid of - God will guide you.

I'm a sinner, but i fear God. I may say the ill-est things, but i know i will not do anything to disappoint him.

Distractions.

2011-10-13T22:24:00.003+08:00

Initially it was just my body falling apart. I was ill and weak. And then i got worse to the point that i almost fainted. At that point of time, i didn't worry too much, because pain was inflicted on me. I knew whatever it was, i could hold it in. I could take it. Physical pain won't last forever.

But the worst has yet to come.

The secrets that have been kept for too long was revealed and, not from someone i thought would unfold it to me. I knew something was amiss, i knew there was something more to this issue. Bewildered, i'm still trying to figure out how to manage this. Who do i trust?

Then when i thought it was almost over.

A family member in critical condition. Apart from everyone trying their hardest to keep ourselves together, to have faith, to never give up; we knew deep inside we're all in a vulnerable state. Prayers after prayers, we held on to God, we made sure we didn't miss anything. But God i know the obstacles you put us through, are only of those we can handle.

Please, i beg you, pray with me. Pray for everyone's well being, we'll never know when one would leave us, permanently.

Distractions.

2011-10-07T22:40:00.001+08:00

Obstacles are just distractions from your ultimate goal. We all know there's someone out there that's going through worse. However, it's horrible to put it that way. It's like you're comparing it with someone else's misery, to make you feel better. I know you mean well, but put it in simpler terms. Like, i'm grateful, glad and content with life itself.

Troubles.

2011-10-05T00:45:00.004+08:00

The most drama i've ever received (is that the right word?) the entire half of the year.

I haven't got this much drama for a while now. Silly how everything starts crumbling at the same time. And no, i'm not exaggerating. I've tried to talk to a lot of people about different problems, but really i can't this time round. It's so complicated, no details should be missed out. It's pretty much linked and i can't bear to see anymore drama in this phase.

First: The truth about my family.

Second: Uncle in coma, brain damage due to heart attack, but getting better.

Third: Mum and gramps are barely in good health, they won't eat b'cos they're worried.

Fourth: Internship is gonna screw me cos i've taken 4 days MC, CONSECUTIVELY.

Fifth: My body isn't anywhere near healthy, I almost fainted.

And that's just a gist of everything. It may seem pretty little, but for a girl and an only child, it's a lot to take in in less than 7 days. I keep telling myself i'm not missing out on anything much, but i know inside i am. I don't know who reads this, but i hope you keep this a secret - promise me you won't tell anyone?

Trust me, i am very much trying to get myself together these days.

I could break down anytime. Any-fucking-time.

Constant

2011-09-25T00:36:00.002+08:00

I can't do this myself. As positive as i may get, i know eventually i need someone to lean on. I just need someone. Doesn't necessarily mean a guy, i just need to know i have someone out there that i can depend on. Someone i could turn to - a constant. It may not sound difficult, but hell it's a bumpy ride on the way there.

I know we have family, it's not that i don't trust my own. You just know, somethings, you can't share? It's not that you can't, it's you don't want to. I just feel that i don't want to burden them, mom's gone through too much. There's only so much a woman can take, i can't bear to see her suffer any longer.

Times like these i wish i trusted someone. I wish i had someone to depend on, to have a shoulder to cry on. It's tough out here, believe me, i'm also where you're at. But i'm trying so hard. So very hard.

However, i think it's beautiful? There's beauty in pain.

Eventually we'll get something out of it, experience. We shall learn from these. They are not mistakes, they're things that will lead you to happiness. It may not be the next minute, hour or even the next day. But in the end, you're gonna be happy. If you're not, it's not the end yet. Being a pessimist, i still believe everybody deserves a happy ending. You just gotta wait, if not, run for it. Fight for it and make sure you work hard for it. If not, it's just not meant to be. Maybe you're ought to chase some other person, or maybe some other dream.

I may need someone, but i know while living this life, i'll do fine by myself. I'll make sure of it.

What ticks me off?

2011-09-17T02:08:00.003+08:00

Having people around me with lack of initiative and basic courtesy. If you see something on the floor, that might just be dangerous for someone else, kick it aside or pick it up and throw it in the bin. If you see someone who obviously needs help, is it that difficult to lend a helping hand? I don't like seeing and letting this go. Some people ought to be taught to have basic manners.

Also, they have to learn how to put others first before self. Life isn't always about themselves, it's about what goes around you. Don't you know that helping someone may just be what they needed to end their day on a happier note? I need people to understand the importance of having thought of others. If people can't make to a certain party, why can't they understand that they have their reasons? Why don't you ask before jumping into conclusions and getting mad all of a sudden? Getting mad only wastes energy, don't you think?

My family is important to me, and i know what i have to do - the responsibilities i have to fulfill. I've made plans for myself and i can't screw this up cos it affects my future. My future does not only have me in it, it has two other most important people. I don't have siblings that i can push them to, i only have me. I can't disappoint them cos i'm all they have.

Do you think it's a responsibility so big for someone so weak like me, to handle?

Well, God says it isn't.

So help me out here, i don't need any money or things.

I just need you to help me believe in myself.

Changed plans.

2011-09-13T11:45:00.002+08:00

How could i not tell she wants to retire so bad? Honestly, i would love to work and study at the same time, but she knows i won't be able to cope. But i know i eventually will, she just doesn't want to trouble me. I get what she meant - while she can support me, she will, but she's been doing the same job since she was 16 till now. What more can i ask for, she has commitment!

Unfortunately, guilt has taken over and i feel so very bad for living off my mum at 19. Seriously, it's like i am barely independent. I would love to not ask for money but she just keeps wanting me to rather ask her, than support myself. Come to think of it, i'm starting to doubt my 3 year plans, and dedicate it to studies.

Content.

2011-09-01T04:08:00.003+08:00

I wish things were easier done than said. I was just browsing through my old photos and i realised how much i've been through. I've never forgotten my past relationships, be it friends or more than friends. It all seems so fresh to me. So fresh to me that i didn't realised it's been 2 years. So fresh that it didn't occur to me that i could never get back what i've lost. Worst of all, i couldn't make things right, because i was two years, too late.

People walk in and out of your life, you have to deal with it. While there is still time, treasure that. I wish i did for the past two years. Heartaches were never as bad as the past but i thank the past for bringing me to where i am now. For if have not made those decisions i made in the past, i may have not been here, posting this, and realising how much life itself, means to me.

I've heard one too many deaths these few weeks, i have so much to be grateful for. I'm sorry for all the losses, and i know i can never feel the same way. But i know that i would never want to be in that position because i can never handle it the way you can. Strength, patience, love. How is it possible to have all three? I'm human, i make mistakes, i can't handle this on my own.

Whoever is reading this, i thank you. Because i don't think anybody reads this blog anymore. I'm just jotting my thoughts down because i have nobody to talk to. Nobody i could trust enough. But all these isn't even part of how much emotions i'm having right now. I cannot tell you exactly what's happening, what's the point? People won't get it anyway. In fact, people won't care.

I'm alone, and i'll always be.

Inner peace.

2011-08-30T22:25:00.002+08:00

I am more than grateful that i am blessed. To know that everyone around me loves me back, the feeling of being loved is, indescribable. But God could you please give me some peace of mind. This heart aches every single time that thought crosses my mind. Why won't i let it go? I've tried so hard, and i need your help. Just please, help me let this go. I can't take it anymore.

Apart from that, i have more important things to take note of, my studies, my health, my religion and my family. God, i could not bear to go through this alone. I tear as i type this out because it aches. This heart aches so bad. I don't trust enough, i don't depend on people enough. I think i could do it all by myself but no. I know i can't. But i refuse depend on people, not because i don't believe in them. But i don't want to burden them.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so confused. I'm egoistic, i'm mean and i'm just too harsh. I'm all of that, to others and most importantly, myself. What i want? Just one thing God, a peace of mind. I beg you, from the bottom of my heart, i'm begging you. I am in need of serenity.

Love,

Emy

Thank you Mimi & frens for the wonderful set up @ TPNDC. Running around all over with balloons not easy esp. during your fasting month.

2011-08-09T23:03:00.001+08:00

Aww, you're welcome! :) We couldn't have done it without the help from the volunteers.

emy;supervain :D

A little thought

Chances

Gone for a while.

I don't believe in you

Mistakes.

Vulnerable

Dad

Birthday Wish

Distractions.

Distractions.

Troubles.

Constant

What ticks me off?

Changed plans.

Content.

Inner peace.

Thank you Mimi & frens for the wonderful set up @ TPNDC. Running around all over with balloons not easy esp. during your fasting month.

What do you like best about your best friend?

What would you do if you accidentally walk into someone from the opposite gender bathing/showering and you like what you see?

Are you going to the Army Daze screening? Exact location where ah?

010611

150511

Beauty Classics, Virtulips!

Do ue shave ure private parts?

will you go for someone you love but you might know that its just a waste of time?

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Do you still have dreams about that guy you adored so much?

What are the signs of a guy getting bored of you?

korang before pergi sekolah ,mak korang cium tak korang?

kasut sklh cuci slalu x?

AAH SIOL.

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What's the first thing you check when you turn on your computer?

live must go on without him..

I wanna dislocate your jaws with my baseball bat and drown ya'll in gas and light you up right in front of your families while they're tied up in the couch.

Stay beautiful. The world needs you ;)

if i were to ask u out and i can't think of an approach,what do u suggest?

SINGLE VS COUPLE?mana lagi bagus?

What movie are you most looking forward to seeing?

what are you doing now??

What do you think the world will be like in 50 years?

And also, can i know what is the feeling or some thing when piercing eyebrow? :/

Anyone pierce eyebrow? Pain? :/

kenapa lelaki tak cukup sorang perempuan?mesti nak lebih! macam bodoh syakk!

seorang lelaki tu dh tipu kita banyak kali . perlu ke teruskan perhubungan?

lelaki tak boleh dipercayai 100%?betul ke?

perlu ke serius dalam perhubungan cinta monyet??

allah akan temukan kita dengan seseorang yg lebih baik dari sekarang???

percaya cinta sekarang akan kekal abadi sehingga ke hujung nyawa?

perasaan bile terluka??sanggup ke ditipu lagi???

sorry..ayat terbalik..hak3.percaya tak pada takdir& jodoh yg ditentukan oleh ALLAH?

takdir percaya pada&jodoh yg ditetapkan oleh allah?

Recommend me any good whitening cream? Thanks =)

A world where everyone hates you? Or one where everyone hates you but pretends to be your friend?

when there's no water anymore, would you drink your pee??

What color are your pajamas?

How much of an asshole do you think I am?

How the hell do I write upside down!!?

If you could choose someone from the opposite gender whom has to obey you for the whole day no matter what, whom would u choose and what would u make em do?

which comes first?? The chicken or the egg??

do yguys have any ideas how can i replace the sadness in me? pfft, L.

care to go out on a blind date with me?

Alright! If given a choice, would you like to go back to your past self or your future self. What would you do then?

Have you ever had any strong feelings for anyone before?

Anything can be explained thru science? Yes/No? Your thought?

do love still exist for you???

Ever seriously had a romantic interest in a woman? Similar to an 'Emily Fields'?

When you're lost, are you more likely to ask for directions or find your way without help?

Ok a formspring like question :D With the advance in tech these days, what are some features and devices you would like to see in the near future?

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Be the one to break things up or let the other party do it?

Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?

What's your favorite pasta dish?

Your views on Artificial Beauty, eg: Plastic Surgery, extensive makeup, modifications to body?

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hi i'm bird. weee :D

Are you a Virgin

one GOAL PLEASE MAN UNITED

what do u think of going out with someone which he/she don't really know u and u don't even know him/her?