I miraculously hung on.
This shan't be long, cos' mummy's coming home. But trust me, this post can't define how much lost faith i have in every single thing. Neither can i admit defeat for those i love.You know sometimes when you feel down as if, nothing in the world matters? When you think nothing at all can make you feel better, or even heal you? I get that, a lot. Every single (f) day, because something's amiss - all the time. I don't see someone that meant the whole world, next to me, everyday saying everything's gonna be okay or i'll do just fine without it. I don't need one, but i just insist on having that constant affirmation that i'd do good and better off anyway. We know we just have to hang on to little things and not take it for granted. Trust me, i am not. I love everybody, treasure everyone. Right now, i've learnt to take a stand on what i believe in. Smile for those i love and also love the ones who ever made me smile. I've learnt not to hate, but recently, my anger's bursting into flames and i just can't hold it in any longer. Maybe it's the patience i've been locking up inside of me. The only thing it's good at is, crushing me inside out. I should start letting people in, and not shutting them out. They're there to lend a hand, and all i could possibly think of, is that they would, in return, break me. That's for all the pain i've felt all these years, but i never told anyone. Never shared with. Because nobody was there to share the same emotions. Nobody would truly understand, because nobody knows what runs through my mind every single night I hear mummy ranting or just simply laughing with me. Obviously i know when i should be happy, sad or even contented. But i doubt every laughter didn't ache a little. Sometimes, it was close to insincere. I had a major breakdown recently when people start telling me off. I know my mistakes, but i just don't learn from it. Each word you utter, kills me inside but i just smile it off because these tears are flowing inside of me. I'm all dried up, it can't flow. Guilt was all i felt for all my mistakes.Just give me a chance to prove myself wrong, all i want is a fulfilling life. No heart wrenching and soul wrecking moments anymore. I actually had a good life, had, that is. One by one they disappear. My life is materialistic, really. I am contented with what i have, all i own. But in actual fact, mummy's getting weaker everyday, and i can't bear to see her like that. She can't possibly get me anything and everything i want. I need to take over her place. Nonetheless, i still want that little faith in me to keep me going on strong. I need to bring her up, if not for her, i would've ... left.
xoxo Double xo.
Labels: Thoughts in short.
Written with love; 5:56 pm
