It hasn't been entirely pleasant crawling around on my fours. Well maybe not literally, but i feel like i've been on it for years. I know it seems like i've been on a success streak all my life, but it wasn't easy - it wasn't easy at all. The moment i slackened, it affected my spirits, which in return mirrored my entire pitfalls throughout my years. I haven't been rather protective of my emotions, i let it out like all teens did. It felt good for a bit, then i realised that the old me was better - the one that held on to the idea of blogging, some sharing sessions with friends and a whole lot of reflecting.
Give me a while more, i know i' already up on my knees - begging for a second chance. I am trying my very best to hold on to this. It doesn't seem like i'm trying my very best, but i genuinely am. It kills to know how much people don't appreciate the little gestures or observations. I've mentioned before that it's not always about the success but what leads you to it - it's the entire journey that is worth it.
Sometimes i think the physical pain i have to go through is incomparable to those other people have to overcome. That's why i didn't want to have myself checked. I believe there isn't anything much that they can do, honestly. It's just a minor fracture a few years back, i genuinely believe my body have fixed that part of me. My back has been a chore lately. Though i've been trying to keep a good posture but the pain keeps coming back - thank God for pain killers. Other than that, i've just been having some flu and fever. But of course, i've been better these few days.
Recently, i've been thinking a lot about what i want to pursue after my diploma; that is if i graduate (crosses fingers and hopes for the best). I would love to go into a course that i've desired for so long, but i honestly don't think i'm cut out for it. Maybe it's in my blood, but - there's always a 'but', heh - i just don't think i have enough talent and experience to put out a significant portfolio. Then again, where's the good in taking no risks? I've thought about other alternatives that i can fall back on, however, it's still regarding the same course. Nothing much that i can do other than my personal interests right?
But that's not the only thought in mind. The actual one is whether i should continue studying straight after this, or do i search for a job? Secondly, whatever i choose, do i attend to it part time or full time?
Ugh, just when you think you can rest, these questions linger in your mind.
Written with love; 11:27 pm
Monday, February 27, 2012
I don't have much time.
I want to be the best i can be, i want to make the changes in life. I want to make a difference, but of course, nothing comes easy. I'd want this to end too, but please let me make the people around me happy first. To make them proud of who i am and what i've become. I want that, just that. I don't need anything more but the love i can get.
I don't have much time, the change is inevitable. Just please, don't make it hurt.
I believe this pain is only temporary.
Written with love; 1:38 am
Monday, February 20, 2012
I thought i'd like the change in me - the one who doesn't give in and says what she must. But then it wasn't me to start with. I would eventually give in, say sorry first or even lag behind just to make someone smile. Well i guess i'm going back to being the quiet girl who stands up herself, but i think i'll keep the part where she's brutally honest.
Written with love; 2:50 am
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
“Do we live to exist or do we exist to live?” I think i’ve heard it somewhere but i can’t recall.Things have been rather rough lately and i think this small matter has finally brought me to my senses. I can’t bottle up everything for too long. I kinda blew up just now. Then again, i haven’t been talking much - that doesnt help either. What hurts the most was when i realised that no social networking meant no social life. Pathetic ain’t it? I don’t have actual friends i could talk to as often anymore.
But hey, gotta start my life all over again. Tough but never impossible.
Written with love; 9:00 pm
Monday, October 31, 2011
There has been so many complications in my life, but however much it may bring me down, i know i have somebody to lean on to.
My birthday wish this year? For my uncle to wake up from his deep sleep. I want him back by Hari Raya Haji, so that gramps will be happy. So that mum will be smiling. So that his family is once again reunited.
Then i thought to myself today, as i listened to Al Ruqyah, the words of God in the Al Quran, what is my real goal in life. Initially it was to travel around the world with my mum and gramps (insyaallah, if God willing), then i thought, i'd rather bring them away. Away to a holy place. To Haj. That'd be the world perfect gift from her daughter to her mum.
I just wish i keep my faith forever in me, and hope that God will lead me to the right path. I know half of the time i might be the mean-est, ill-est, dirty minded girl. But i know ultimately, i'm still afraid of God and nothing else. When i get scared or haunted by my own fears, i try to tell myself it's nothing to be afraid of - God will guide you.
I'm a sinner, but i fear God. I may say the ill-est things, but i know i will not do anything to disappoint him.
Written with love; 10:55 pm
